Home The Soapbox At long last, an inconsequential debate: can koozies are trash

At long last, an inconsequential debate: can koozies are trash


The world is full of debates at this very moment on all sorts of things that really, truly matter.

Whether it’s inequality, economics or climate change, we’re confronted at every side with topics carrying life- and world-changing implications.

It’s loud, it’s stressful, and frequently, many of us have to tune out from time to time so as to not become overwhelmed.

With that in mind, I thought it could be valuable to step back into the good, old days when there was room for robust debates on topics that have no real bearing on anything at all.

It wasn’t easy to settle on a topic. Our centers have changed and what may seem inconsequential today may have carried considerable weight just a few short years ago. I’ll take a stab and start with a bold proclamation: the can koozie is the most useless tool that most of us have in our homes.

I can feel the emotions stirring. I know what you’re thinking: “How could I do without a contraption that keeps my hand warm while keeping my beverage ice cold?”

Let’s examine:

The typical can koozie is designed for 12 fluid oz. cans, which has long been understood as the optimum quantity to quench an average thirst. If you’re in the position in which the temperature of your beverage reaches an unpleasant degree of warmth prior to the completion of consumption, were you really thirsty enough to open the beverage in the first place?

Certainly, you’re scoffing and making note that, “its cooling capacity is just half of its insulating features.”

It’s a legitimate point. However, if your beverage is too cold to grasp for an extended period without discomfort, there are other remedies. Patio tables, for instance, allow for a person to keep their beverage at close proximity while freeing the hand for other uses such as wild gesturing. Further, the naked can may serve as a diagnosis tool. If the cold temperature is enough to cause extreme discomfort, it may be time to be checked out for nerve damage.

You might say, “but my can koozie provides a welcome billboard for self expression.” Certainly, it is true that the koozie doubles as a fashion piece carrying irreverent phrasing that speaks to your personality such as, “Over The Hill,” “I’m not as think as you drunk I am” or “Hoof arted.” 

I would, however, like to think that there’s such a thing as too much expression. If it wasn’t already said on your hat, T-shirt, belt buckle or car bumper, is it really that important?

There’s one area of debate in which I’m torn. The koozie is a valuable staple of small business advertising. For one low price, “Bob’s Auto Repair and Towing” can enter the mindset of the user with every crack of a fresh Coors Light for years to come. I wonder, however, whether Mueller Insurance Agency is playing with a double edged sword. You’re just as likely to have your good name associated with an overpacked kitchen junk drawer. 

There are multiple sides to every good debate. Tell me I’m wrong. Post your counterpoints on the Valley Review Facebook page. 

And if I ever decide to print up some VR koozies, you’ll find them here first.

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