Home The Soapbox Friday list: running down the face masks that’ll get you noticed

Friday list: running down the face masks that’ll get you noticed


A recent, exciting arrival in the mailbox highlighted just how strange this year has been.

Our Milwaukee Bucks face masks finally arrived and with plenty of time before the NBA season starts back up. 

It got me thinking. As late as the all-star break, I would have never considered that a face mask would become the must-have piece of fan gear of 2020.

But here we are.

In a matter of months, a piece of clothing that few of us has owned before has become a go-to means for self expression. 

It’s the new tattoo. It’s the new graphic T-shirt.

Certainly, the paper masks are inexpensive and just as effective, but what fun is that? For this week’s Friday list, we’ll run down some mask options that’ll definitely get noticed from six feet away while making those runs for essential goods.

The Hannibal Lecter: Public health officials have often told us that the face mask isn’t about our protection. It’s about the protection of others. And there’s no mask that better exudes that ethos than the Hannibal Lecter. Strap it on and head to the liquor store to select a nice Chianti.

The Hulk Hogan: This mask is tailor made for real Americans. It will make you feel comfortable while grocery shopping. It’ll also give you the feeling of starring in “Suburban Commando,” defeating King Kong Bundy in Wrestlemania II or suing Gawker out of existence. It goes well with a bandana or a tear-away T-shirt. When planning your next mask purchase, what are you gonna do, brother?

The selfie mask: One of the big trends in masks is to get one of your own face to create the appearance of no mask at all. This is fine and dandy, but there’s a better option. For all you trolls, upload a photo and get a mask of someone else. Go to work wearing a mask of your boss. Step out to grab a package wearing a mask of your UPS guy. The creepy possibilities are endless.

The Salvador Dali: You could pump your gas as the normal schmuck you are, or you could step out of the car in the guise of a Spanish surrealist. Salvador Dali’s works are instantly recognizable. And so was his signature mustache. Now you can wear it, too.

Masks suck: Sometimes, you just need to say it how it is. They’re itchy. They pull at the ears. If you accidentally burp, the aroma of your digestion has nowhere to go but straight up your nose. God forbid, you sneeze. This mask tells those around you in no uncertain terms that you’ve made a real commitment to the well-being of strangers. No one is wearing one of these damned things because they enjoy it — yet, I suppose the same thing could be said about pants.