Home Community Friday List: Top Onion stories set in the Fox Cities

Friday List: Top Onion stories set in the Fox Cities


The Friday List is a recurring feature in which we jog memories, spark thoughts and perhaps generate debate in one of the grandest formats devised by man … the almighty list. Are we missing something? Are we dead wrong? Offer your thoughts on the list du jour by heading to the Valley Review’s Twitter or Facebook pages.

The real news can be difficult to stomach some days.

On those days, it never hurts to turn to “America’s Finest News Source.”

The Onion, certainly one of the nation’s finest satirical sites, has developed a strong national reputation for its offbeat, clever and sometimes cutting humor since its 1988 founding in Madison.

It has a national reach, though perhaps due of its Wisconsin roots, Dairyland locales have gotten plenty of play in its pages throughout the years. The Fox Valley have often been the setting for articles.

For this week’s Friday List, we’ll explore some of the top familiar datelines to reach The Onion. 

Jan. 17, 2007: Appleton — There’s More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts

It takes some time for the lady to arrive for an out-call, so why not stretch your legs? Visit nearby Lawrence University’s picturesque campus. Or take your rented sweetie for a stroll by the river. 

July 2. 2003: Menasha — Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look “More Matrix-y”

“Yeah, it definitely has the Matrix thing going like I wanted, but I can’t help feeling like it could have more,” Dieber said of the ad, slated to air on Appleton/Green Bay UPN affiliate WACY-32 during upcoming Judge Hatchett telecasts. 

June 16, 2012: Appleton — Capricious God Violently Shakes Ant Farm Day After Bestowing Orange Slices Upon Colony

The deity, whom the ants know as “Marcus,” has long been feared for his volatile and arbitrary behavior.

Oct. 2, 1996: Menasha — Sports Fan Killed in Tragic Home Entertainment Center Collapse

“It was horrible,” said friend and neighbor Bill Gustafson, who was a witness to the tragic accident. “I think the Pack could really go all the way this year.”

Dec. 20, 2000: Appleton — Ping Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing

“I don’t know what the deal is,” said Marty Zielke, a coworker of Bergkamp’s at an Appleton-area Target, “but ever since we got that ping-pong table in the break room, Tim’s been acting like he’s Macho Man Randy Savage or something.”

Jan. 5, 2010: Menasha — Man Unable to Wear Nice Clothes Without Everyone Asking Questions

Brennan conceded that, on a positive note, some of his coworkers were extra nice to him because they assumed he was going to a funeral service.

Sept. 19, 2013: Appleton — Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

“When Bill called me ‘limp dick’ and punched my shoulder, I wasn’t sure if he was insulting me or just being friendly, but everyone else was smiling and laughing, so I smiled back,” said Chambliss. 

Aug. 28, 2018: Kaukauna — 6th-Graders Feel Kind of Bad After Seeing How Easy It Was To Make Young Teacher Cry

“Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were being a little bit mean to her, but I had no idea she was just gonna burst into tears like that,” said student Daniel Rivera, 11.

May 29, 2002: Appleton — 83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance

“The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned,” said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor.

Jan 10, 2017: Appleton — Mom In Nightgown Mode

Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.